Panic! at the Brain Cell

I feel like crying

no, wait, I feel like ripping my brains out and screaming and running into a wall so fast I go into a coma for the rest of my life. But I can't do that, so I feel like crying.

From the moment I woke up to being yelled at from the supposed good parent about how I can't and never will do anything right, I knew today was going to be a bad day. She also happened to mention that it was 7:00 and that I had 0 minutes to get ready. I could feel the panic rising in my chest from that moment on, but that didn't matter, I had school. I may be on the verge of tears and emotional panic, but the useless education system wanted me, so there I must go.

It's not that I don't think I can be happy, I've been happy, but in my situation, it always results in me going home and feeling panicked. I go to school and I don't feel much better, I mean, there are a few classes, but really I've got nothing but panic and my extracurricular activities. From the moment I walk into my drama class, I can feel my need to scream and cry and panic left. It's a different world full of good people that I can trust.

That's how choir class felt the end of my freshman year before we went from 20 to 40 kids. Last semester i was in band class, which also helped with the anxiety. In the end, I really needed just needed some time where I don't feel panicked. Drama practice has really done that for me. I only have about 20 lines and I play a child, so nothing too big. perfect place to stop the panic. But it still sucks that I have to go to these places to feel safe, other than that I'm always in attack or defense mode, I'm barely getting through the day. I often feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I do have something though. in 3 years I'll be able to move out and live where I want. my current living situation doesn't feel like a home. home to me is somewhere you can stop and take a breath. Somewhere where you're allowed to cry if you need to. a place to take a moment away. I live at work, and my boss owns the place. I sleep in my workplace. I eat all of my meals in my workplace, and there is no escape from my workplace. But it won't be like that in my apartment.

In my apartment, I'll probably live with a ton of people but it will be worth it. It might just be a simple one-bedroom home in a big city for me and like 4 other friends, but at least it will be home. I just want to find a home. Waiting 3 years is a long time though. a lot could happen between 3 years. In three years a child goes from being unable to lift its own head or control it's own limbs to running and speaking general sentences. That's a lot of difference.

But three years is all I have. In three years I can start to get happy. In three years I can smile for once. In three years I can cry when I need to, without getting yelled at for doing it. All I have to wait is three years, but sometimes it's hard to be patient.

-TaySpace